THE DECEPTION OF BRIBERY

We all give and take bribes! I’ve said that strong and direct for effect. By our very thoughts we imprison ourselves and try to manipulate the truth to suit our own prejudices. Our coloured lenses let us see nothing beyond ourselves. Myopic thus, we forget to check whether we are even thinking right. If we all give and take bribes in one form or another, why do we villify bribery so fervently?

          If you’re reading this piece and already fighting me in your thoughts, then you need to enlighten your ignorance and illuminate your darkness. The Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English defines the verb BRIBE in two ways. One, to illegally give someone, especially a public official, money or a gift in order to make them do something for you. Two, to offer someone, especially a child, something special in order to persuade them to do something. Shocking, ain’t it?

          The real reason that bribery has come under such vicious attack is, more than just the abuse of it, our wrong thinking. Wrong thinking yields wrong living, and right thinking leads to right living. We abuse bribery because, as they say, ‘When purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable’. The hypocrisy so characteristic of our way of life is deeply rooted in our pattern of thought. We believe it’s wrong of politicians to bribe the electorate to vote for them, yet we actually stand in line to collect their gifts in cash and kind (especially rice in the last elections).

          We raise our voices at the policeman collecting money along the road, yet we neglect to pressurize the government to take better care of its workers. We do not care how the officer feeds, yet we expect him to take pity on us when we break the law. We bribe by begging him, women kneeling, men prostrating, all in an attempt to give the officer a false sense of ego boost so he’ll not extract from us money we’re unwilling to part with. You see, our begging is a gift given to the officer in order to persuade him to subvert justice, to ‘temper justice with mercy’ for our sakes and not force us to pay for our crimes. (The constitution has no place for begging, you know?)

          To be frank, bribery is our way of life and we just don’t know it. It is wisdom for the general citizenry. We pay our way past justice, and then we think that our own form of bribery is right while the other person’s is wrong. Simply put, whatever we do or give to get something beyond what we deserve, that’s bribery. We easily believe that a worker who suddenly begins to curry favours from his boss, with gifts and acts of service and words of flattery, is bribing the boss in question. Yet when the same boss feels offended by the said worker’s attitude and threatens to query or fire him, we actually rally round to urge the worker to beg with words and gifts and what have you, and we call it ‘humility’. He may have escaped the rod punishment due him, but only bribery saved the day and pacified the wrath of his boss.

          You see, there are right and wrong ways to engage bribery, just as well as there exist right and wrong ways of making money. When companies claim to have attached a ‘free gift’ along with their products we purchase, that free gift, that extra, is the bribe given to ensure continued patronage. Bribes, by their very nature, dull our senses to other realities and force our focus onto that for which the bribe was given. In truth, bribery has saved the day for us more times than we care to admit.

          I remember once in my childhood days, I mistakenly broke a glass cup at home. I kept thinking of how I’d escape the flogging that was sure to come (our parents used to beat us a lot), and I prayed silently that dad return home before mum from work ‘cause he was slightly easier to appease. My wish was granted, and more than that, he came with bitter kola. Naturally, we the children had a hard time eating anything not tasty (we still do, even as adults), but on this occasion I picked up a piece of the nut and began to chew, trying hard to conceal the involuntary grimace on my face. Then, of course, I drew dad into a discussion on the health benefits of sometimes eating things that were not so sweet—including bitter kola.

          The tactic worked, for just when he had become engrossed in our rare chat, I slipped in the report of the mishap. He got angry but didn’t whip me. For mum, when we wanted to bribe her, we would suddenly become handy with house chores, cleaning the furniture, sweeping the floor, washing the plates, and so on (‘sorry’ was a word that never worked in our family). The ploy failed sometimes, but Lord knows how happy we were for the times we were lucky to have our way.

          The real deception in bribery, therefore, is not that it is deceptive (and yes, it is deceptive, positively or negatively). The deception of bribery is the hypocrisy in our hearts. Bribery wouldn’t be so abhorrent if we realized that it is simply a tool of diplomacy. Let us deploy this tool for good and not for evil. Warm your way into the soul of your intended or current boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, boss, customer, friend, neighbour, customer, business partner—whatever the relationship—with this simple gift called BRIBE. It will save you a lot of headache later (maybe even save your life) and help you prosper beyond your normal allotment. It could be a hug, kiss, cash and kind, smile, anything. Give that ‘gift’ today.