TAKE HOME TO MAMA

          In my undergraduate days, among the prizes won at departmental dinners was the award for Take Home to Mama (hereinafter referred to as THtM). The recipient, in my observation, would be a lady who could best be described as quiet and worst as naïve (sometimes bordering on witless). She’s the sort of lady who would turn the other cheek when you slap one. She’s almost completely lacking in innovation. She finds it difficult to say no and stand up for herself. She seldom, if ever, takes the initiative, content to follow and let others lead. She gives no excitement to romantic adventure, feeling more boring like dead wood than agile like living matter. Whether it is her domestic, professional, or social life, she’s just dulling.

          The finest traits of this breed of women come to the fore on the domestic front because the home is their natural habitat. THtM is the sort of girl you wanna marry in the future but not date in the present. She’s the quintessential housewife. She’s the genuine article when home management is involved. She’ll make sure your food is ready when she knows you’ll soon be back from work as a husband. She wins the heart of your mum very fast because her culinary prowess is spectacular. THtM is the child who goes with mummy to the market and knows the prices of all food items. She does not mind mopping the floor and furniture everyday, working herself away like a slave. As her husband, you don’t really need to give her so much money. All she really needs is constant pampering—and bullying. She’ll do your bidding without argument like someone under hypnotic duress.

          Moving to THtM’s workplace (for the more enlightened who refuse to remain housewives), you find the same pattern of efficiency at just the same thing and not much else. She knows her job description and specializes in just what it entails, and no more. She was that way at school, doing well academically because she knows just what the teacher says ought to be done and does it obediently. THtM does not mind working with the same company and even in the same office, for decades, and being given promotion (which sometimes scares her too) according to the timeline. She’s not the type of person to set new targets because she’s not competitive, but she has a way to try to meet a target you set her, and if she fails, you’ll be afraid to hurt her with your rebuke because her fragility makes her seem so soft and so sweet. THtM is the typical personal assistant, receptionist, secretary…anything that has to do with office management and cleaning up the mess to keep things in equilibrium. She won’t engage in office politics because she doesn’t have excess energy for anything outside the necessary. No lofty ambitions, no scramble for position, no lobbying for office or extra benefits, but thrust leadership upon her and she surprises you with efficiency. For her, slow and steady wins the race.

          Furthermore, the social life of THtM is as quiet as still waters. Definitely not the partying sort, she would typically help in organizing the party in terms of culinary and sanitary requirements, preferring working behind the scenes. Making her emcee is looking for trouble because that’s not her forte, but she can serve refreshment and tidy things up after the party. THtM doesn’t exactly enjoy going out on dates—until she’s actually gone and loved it—because she does everything to prevent being seen so frequently in public places. She dreads the public eye, besides which her strong preference is for indoors rather than outdoors activities. Women generally pretend, but this one is the queen bee: she may have a crush on you for years and never show it; you only get to guess but the signs are always too subtle to tell for sure. If she does hate you, you may never really get to know, either, except for that smile that’s just missing whenever you’re around. Otherwise, she still does everything else for you as usual. Only her family and friends (who are a precious few lot lucky to break through) know the funny, naughty, humorous sides of her. Of course, she would rather sue for peace and avoid confrontation when she senses that a clash of ideas is imminent. You might as well forget about romance as her boyfriend, unless you initiate it and she doesn’t resist it stylishly. That’s the only way to know she wanted it. She may not even show she’s deriving pleasure until it becomes unbearable and she blurts out the soundtrack. Her social life is wrapped up in her home, office, church and best friend.

          So you see, when next you see someone and imagine her as your homely and comely Take Home to Mama, be sure that you’re self-excited and self-motivated before you seek a relationship of any sort with her. The best thing about her, which we must not forget to mention, is that THtM is faithful, patient, tender and kind to a fault. She’ll go out of her way just to make you happy, and she can tolerate most of your idiosyncrasies without snapping. If, however, she’s finally pushed to the wall, then you’ll discover the truth behind the popular saying that, ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’, because she will not change her mind once it’s finally made up—she took a long time to get to that point in the first place. Handle her with care.