Consider the following scenarios. One, in the church the pastor says everyone should close their eyes when praying, and no one must leave the church till service is over. Anyone who disobeys will have angels strike him with blindness or lameness in line with the crime committed. Under such stringent orders everyone behaves themselves and everything goes on peacefully. No problems at all.
Two, a lecturer seldom appears in class. Suddenly, within the final week of lectures he appears and begins to organize tutorial classes for students, tasking hours each day, and even stretches it into Saturdays and Sundays. He fails to give them time to study and revise, and also doesn’t give them areas of concentration. He releases results, giving them low grades that are not worth their efforts. Yet, none of them dare say anything because everyone fears victimization. Case settled.
Three, a politician intends to contest for a particular office. He meets his first barrier in the incumbent with whom he has had a spat in the past. He backs off for fear of having his assets seized and settles for a low-class political appointment. The press is hounded down by the government in power and muzzled for attempting to help his cause. Everyone keeps quiet.
Four, a man and wife have children. The woman, who is lacking in motherly compassion, beats their children with all kinds of weapons at her disposal—broom, stick, machete, and all—for every bit of offence. The man, despotic as he is, rules his household with the iron fist of an emperor, barking out orders and feeling like a demi-god whose word is unquestionable. His children run into hiding at his appearance and approach him like condemned criminals when he has to send for them. His wife must do as he says or face violent assault. Everyone submits to fear.
Okay, now look around you this very minute and tell me that you love the way things have always been. You’ve got to be a first-class liar to do that! Without even having to take our case studies one by one (that will be done in subsequent articles) we can easily deduce one thing at least: someone must speak up or everyone dies in silence. The one thing that keeps people accepting their lot is fear. What people fail to realize is that whatever you fear rules over you. There are certain tools used by autocratic leaders to keep their subjects perpetually under control, be it in religious, academic, political or family settings. These tools, in four broad categories, are ignorance, threat, reward and silence.
One of the most offensive lies I’ve ever heard is that elders never lie. You know what I’m talking about if you’ve lived long enough in Yorubaland. It’s almost as if we never question the integrity of someone who’s older than us, and that’s wrong because elders are just as human as youngsters. This subterfuge gives itself away when one elder says something contrary to what another has said. The question will then be ‘who is right if neither is wrong?’ A simple issue comes up, you ask for clarification based on information you already possess to the contrary, and the next thing you hear is, ‘Are you saying I’m lying?’ To such cowardice my reply, depending on the extent of certainty, is usually, ‘yes’ or ‘it’s possible; that’s why I’m asking you’. Of course the hearer takes umbrage at what I might be insinuating, but that doesn't discredit the moral grounds on which my assertion is based.
Every kind of society and institution indeed deserves people who can say NO and remain dissatisfied till truth is upheld with justice. There is no room for flattery or prevarication when issues have to be dealt squarely with. Don’t tell me that a child’s leg will break if he walks out on his father or mother. Don’t tell me that people will suffer for questioning their religious leaders. Don’t tell me that students will fail for demanding a human being in place of a beast for a lecturer. Don’t tell me that a person mortgages his future by having ambitions that clash with those of the people in power. You see, successful civil disobedience is the result of intellectual labour. Our country has remained undeveloped because we have been taught to ‘obey before complain’, but even the army that’s not trained to think sees mutiny when things get out of hand. We admire the innovativeness of Western intelligence, but we conveniently ignore the root of the matter—the ability and allowance to ask questions when not satisfied. Until we resolve to have that same attitude ingrained within our society, progress will remain a pipedream.
May I submit to you here and now that obedience could be as much a vice as it is a virtue when it becomes mindless acquiescence. It is true that absolute politeness is the ultimate rudeness. Leaders must be made to know that their followers cannot be held to ransom. Let us do away with the ancient lie that those who get the best deals are always those who wait for their turn. We wouldn’t do anything in a rush if we really believed that, so who’s fooling who? The patient dog no longer finds the fattest bone because the fastest vulture has taken it away with the meat. Say it in unmistakable, polite and strong terms if something makes you uncomfortable. Quit the place altogether as soon as it’s practicable if you are consistently ignored. Rebel against a system that stifles your potentials and well-being. You will eventually earn greater respect than those who remained dustbin for the excesses of egotistical leaders. You owe yourself at least that much.
Wednesday 25 March 2015
Tuesday 24 March 2015
SAY NO TO DOWRY
‘Don’t get it twisted, love is a beautiful thing!’ That was the verdict passed by our very own D’Banj. What the koko crooner failed to add, however, is that the beauty of love fades away at the point of marriage, at least in Africa. Marriage, which should be the apex of love affairs, has become a sad albatross in the love adventure simply because of the many barriers we put in the way all in the name of tradition. Oh, how I hate that word with perfect hatred! I am speaking here in reference to the many stages of marriage rites in African cultures which discourage rather than strengthen marriage. The worst and pivotal part of these rites of passage is the payment of dowry or bride price to obtain the lady and have her for keeps.
Before putting this piece to paper and publication, I floated the idea of the termination of dowry payment before a random cross-section of people of different age groups and traditional and educational leanings. Most of the responses I got toed the line of ‘How dare you!’ bothering on even the mere thought of it being an anathema. I am utterly astonished that even educated folks who should be more enlightened, having gone through the scholastic rigours of the Ivory Tower, including and especially youths like me, have a hard time questioning the status quo. It’s amazing how people just take traditions that have been handed down for generations and continue to propagate them without stopping to think about why exactly we do what we do.
Regardless of whichever tribe you hail from, you will readily agree with me that the man spends money 'toasting' the girl. He spends money for introduction (which they call ‘knocking on the door’) to inform the bride’s family of his intention formally in the presence of his own family. He spends money for dowry. He spends money for traditional wedding. He very likely also spends money for the so-called white wedding in the church or mosque (without which most Christian and Muslim congregations will not endorse the marriage). There are also some who spend money on court wedding. All these, of course, involve several hidden charges apart from the expenses blown away on logistics. By the time processes are completed and conditions fulfilled, the couple is already deep in debt or thin on finances. Meanwhile, the girl’s family is happy to have been enriched by some lump sum.
Now, shall we tell ourselves and each other the truth, that this ‘family’ neither loves you nor has your best interests at heart? How can people who claim to love you derive so much pleasure in milking you dry? Sometimes I think it is the failure of the intending couple to stand their ground and call their families’ bluffs that makes parents seem so able to wreck a marriage. Even if a parent from either side is quite troublesome, there’s no child who doesn’t know the weak points of his or her parents. Do you really think your families can run your marriage successfully? It is a lie! Gone are those days when people simply did what their parents or priests of whatever form wanted! These days, you decide what you want and do it.
So where do we go from here? First, I suggest parents should be reminded that they are the ones who should lay up treasures for their children, not the other way around. Their children are their legacy to the world. They should give to, not take from, their children. Put your money where your mouth is. There’s no need to place greater burden than necessary on a man who’s perhaps already spent a lot of himself trying to impress your daughter. That’s the surest way to be respected by the couple: let parents from both sides make the wedding a reality by sponsoring it, having certified that the couple has a means of comfortable livelihood. I think the Yoruba people in Nigeria do that well—they return the bride price and then sponsor the wedding.
Second, we should realize that civilization has changed the world. If you listen well, you will hear the man tell the bride’s father, ‘I have come to pluck this flower from your garden’, or something like that. We must learn to question preconceived notions. There was a time when girls stayed with their parents till it was time to marry. These days, ladies relocate, often far from their parents, because of work. How, then, do you pluck a flower from a garden that has it no more? The payment of dowry is obsolete because the flower is no more in its father’s field.
Third, the intending couple should decide that they, not their parents, will choose how to wed and maintain the marriage. Parents don’t choose who their daughters should marry anymore, and so they should not be paid for their daughter’s hand in marriage. If the essence of traditional marriage is parental blessing, white wedding is for spiritual blessing, and court wedding for state blessing, then why not have one occasion where all three get covered and save expenses? We need but one wedding, not three. Save the money for better uses.
Permit me to state succinctly that you own what you pay for. If the woman has been bought at a [bride] price, then she’s no better than my jeep or tv set. Dowry payment is one denigrating tradition that immediately places the woman at a disadvantage. If you don’t realize it, go find out from the typical village culture and you’ll easily agree that the woman never questions the man’s orders. She is no different from a maid. This is the reason why a man whose wife also goes to work would expect her to cook his food no matter how tired she may be, even if he has more spare time. Don’t tell me that she will be valued because she was paid for; it’s the same way a jeep will be valued till its youth expires—as the woman’s surely will.
Guys, don’t let the girl’s father bully you by saying he spent a lot on her upbringing; your parents probably spent even more to bring you up as a responsible man. Girls, don’t let your parents delay your marriage with their bad belle. If they are too greedy to forgo outdated tradition in order to make you happy, then walk away from them and elope with your man. If anything goes wrong in your marriage and you have to go back to them, they cannot reject you, plus they won’t need to bother about raising the bride price to return to the man’s family. More importantly, have your personal stable source of income so you don’t have any reason to return to them. Let them curse till their mouths are bent like the scimitar and their throats dry like the Sahara; nothing will touch you under the cover of your husband’s love. You belong to him, not them.
Nobody will live your life for you. In the final analysis, you will have to bear the consequences of your actions. Don’t sacrifice your happiness on the altar of your father’s foolishness. Show him that you have a mind of your own. Live your [love] life to the fullest. You owe no one any explanation for that.
Before putting this piece to paper and publication, I floated the idea of the termination of dowry payment before a random cross-section of people of different age groups and traditional and educational leanings. Most of the responses I got toed the line of ‘How dare you!’ bothering on even the mere thought of it being an anathema. I am utterly astonished that even educated folks who should be more enlightened, having gone through the scholastic rigours of the Ivory Tower, including and especially youths like me, have a hard time questioning the status quo. It’s amazing how people just take traditions that have been handed down for generations and continue to propagate them without stopping to think about why exactly we do what we do.
Regardless of whichever tribe you hail from, you will readily agree with me that the man spends money 'toasting' the girl. He spends money for introduction (which they call ‘knocking on the door’) to inform the bride’s family of his intention formally in the presence of his own family. He spends money for dowry. He spends money for traditional wedding. He very likely also spends money for the so-called white wedding in the church or mosque (without which most Christian and Muslim congregations will not endorse the marriage). There are also some who spend money on court wedding. All these, of course, involve several hidden charges apart from the expenses blown away on logistics. By the time processes are completed and conditions fulfilled, the couple is already deep in debt or thin on finances. Meanwhile, the girl’s family is happy to have been enriched by some lump sum.
Now, shall we tell ourselves and each other the truth, that this ‘family’ neither loves you nor has your best interests at heart? How can people who claim to love you derive so much pleasure in milking you dry? Sometimes I think it is the failure of the intending couple to stand their ground and call their families’ bluffs that makes parents seem so able to wreck a marriage. Even if a parent from either side is quite troublesome, there’s no child who doesn’t know the weak points of his or her parents. Do you really think your families can run your marriage successfully? It is a lie! Gone are those days when people simply did what their parents or priests of whatever form wanted! These days, you decide what you want and do it.
So where do we go from here? First, I suggest parents should be reminded that they are the ones who should lay up treasures for their children, not the other way around. Their children are their legacy to the world. They should give to, not take from, their children. Put your money where your mouth is. There’s no need to place greater burden than necessary on a man who’s perhaps already spent a lot of himself trying to impress your daughter. That’s the surest way to be respected by the couple: let parents from both sides make the wedding a reality by sponsoring it, having certified that the couple has a means of comfortable livelihood. I think the Yoruba people in Nigeria do that well—they return the bride price and then sponsor the wedding.
Second, we should realize that civilization has changed the world. If you listen well, you will hear the man tell the bride’s father, ‘I have come to pluck this flower from your garden’, or something like that. We must learn to question preconceived notions. There was a time when girls stayed with their parents till it was time to marry. These days, ladies relocate, often far from their parents, because of work. How, then, do you pluck a flower from a garden that has it no more? The payment of dowry is obsolete because the flower is no more in its father’s field.
Third, the intending couple should decide that they, not their parents, will choose how to wed and maintain the marriage. Parents don’t choose who their daughters should marry anymore, and so they should not be paid for their daughter’s hand in marriage. If the essence of traditional marriage is parental blessing, white wedding is for spiritual blessing, and court wedding for state blessing, then why not have one occasion where all three get covered and save expenses? We need but one wedding, not three. Save the money for better uses.
Permit me to state succinctly that you own what you pay for. If the woman has been bought at a [bride] price, then she’s no better than my jeep or tv set. Dowry payment is one denigrating tradition that immediately places the woman at a disadvantage. If you don’t realize it, go find out from the typical village culture and you’ll easily agree that the woman never questions the man’s orders. She is no different from a maid. This is the reason why a man whose wife also goes to work would expect her to cook his food no matter how tired she may be, even if he has more spare time. Don’t tell me that she will be valued because she was paid for; it’s the same way a jeep will be valued till its youth expires—as the woman’s surely will.
Guys, don’t let the girl’s father bully you by saying he spent a lot on her upbringing; your parents probably spent even more to bring you up as a responsible man. Girls, don’t let your parents delay your marriage with their bad belle. If they are too greedy to forgo outdated tradition in order to make you happy, then walk away from them and elope with your man. If anything goes wrong in your marriage and you have to go back to them, they cannot reject you, plus they won’t need to bother about raising the bride price to return to the man’s family. More importantly, have your personal stable source of income so you don’t have any reason to return to them. Let them curse till their mouths are bent like the scimitar and their throats dry like the Sahara; nothing will touch you under the cover of your husband’s love. You belong to him, not them.
Nobody will live your life for you. In the final analysis, you will have to bear the consequences of your actions. Don’t sacrifice your happiness on the altar of your father’s foolishness. Show him that you have a mind of your own. Live your [love] life to the fullest. You owe no one any explanation for that.
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