Rebels On The Prowl: IT BEGINS AT HOME

Rebellion begins at home. I know you’re better used to seeing ‘charity’ in the place of ‘rebellion’, but we all know that it all begins at home—charity or chicanery—so why don’t we set about building a new character from home? Every religion truly believes that children should obey their parents, at least that’s the part we hear emphasized. Every religion also believes parents should learn to understand their children and see themselves as stewards grooming them rather than owners mastering them. Why, then, is this knowledge not reflected in child upbringing? If respect is reciprocal and children are supposed to show respect to parents, does it not follow, therefore, that parents, being more matured and experienced, should lead the way and then watch the children follow suit? Whatever happened to leading by example?

          Two great ills perpetuated in the African culture of child discipline are flogging and cursing. They are the most dehumanizing downsides to the training of a growing personality. The thing that baffles me is that even people who hated being flogged as children grow up to continue the practice in their own homes as if it were an African curse. Ask them why and they will say, ‘That is our culture’. I’m gonna say something about that now: Did you know that many of our current cultural practices were also done in the West in centuries past? Why do we lay claim to senseless habits that have been left behind by others? Why is it that the white man who’s not being flogged seems to have enough insight as to keep making giant strides in every field of human endeavour? Why do Africans find it easier to succeed after having had ample time rubbing off with Euro-American culture? What is it about that environment that is so lacking in ours and which we can’t replicate?

          I wonder why parents never stop to think of why they flog their children. Mere watching Fulani herdsmen flog their cattle into submission should give the impression that you’re equating your child’s reasoning faculties to that of a bull or a cow or a goat by the same treatment. Parents could be so cruel and lacking in mercy in the use of punishment. The child made a mistake and is begging for forgiveness, yet you insist on leaving marks of remembrance on his flesh. Why should breaking a plate warrant flogging or loss of a meal, as if you don’t break plates too? Is hunger the right way to teach virtue? In my observation, poverty is one strong reason that parents flog their children. You’re poor, yet you marry and sire six kids, and then blame them for coming into the world. You claim to be working so hard for them, when in fact the kids were not there when you fell in love and married. They are only the direct product of that union, and you’re trying hard to cater for them so that you won’t be perceived as being inadequate and irresponsible in the eyes of the world. Now you vent your frustration on the innocent children and blame them for not being trained well. Meanwhile, you trained them—and made a poor job of it!

          Cursing is another apparent parenting problem. As if the bodily harm the flogging causes isn’t bad enough, you proceed to hurt their souls irreversibly and leave indelible marks of low morale on those tender hearts. I hear parents call their children unprintable names, and yet you claim to be praying for that same child. Which should God listen to: the curses (which are usually more frequent and emotional) or the prayers? You think that your children depend on your blessing for their success, and deep inside you wish for the stubborn ones to come crawling back begging for forgiveness. Do you think the Creator would really leave your children’s fate dependent on your fickle mental state? You’re making a mistake there. Many people—I’m speaking of Africans here, perhaps you inclusive—are failures in life (and even in marriage), yet most people sought and got parental blessing before leaving home to start their own adult lives. So how come they turned out unsuccessful?

          Here’s another fact: Most people who succeed do so against their parents’ wishes and curses. Many parents would have pronounced a gloomy future for a son who chose to play football or a daughter who opted for a career in entertainment. A great many stars have been extinguished by parents’ blind insistence on medicine, law, engineering, accounting and suchlike. This repugnant culture of trying to force our beliefs on our children, even up to what religion they subscribe to, has left many hearts yearning for what they may never get. Some parents want their children to read a course that they themselves love but couldn’t read; others want their children to follow in their steps, even to the very same schools. When they rebel you switch to ‘What you do to me, your children will do to you too’. I heard a mother say that to her daughter, clutching her sagging breasts in her hands and shouting at the top of her voice, adding, ‘…unless you didn’t suck these breasts…’. I asked her later, ‘Does that mean you also did it to your mother?’ She was first speechless and then outraged.

          Parents find it hard to own up to their mistakes, yet they expect perfection from their children. One thing we forget—or never even realize—in this dark continent of ours is that mistakes are the landmarks of originality. Never expect your child, or anyone else for that matter, to do things exactly as you would have done them. If you as a parent, having established yourself in the city for the better part of your active years, choose to retire to the village in your backward archaic sense, do not expect your child to harbour similar sentiments towards your fetish hometown (most villages in Africa ooze with fetish traditions) in the name of ‘remember your roots’. If your child chooses to be detribalized and think more in national and global terms, applaud them for it. They don’t have to marry from your [preferred] tribe. Even if you think they are wrong, there is no learning without the freedom to err. Success is learning from failure and making things work. If cane, castigation, crying and curses are their strongest memories of you, then don’t be surprised if they simply abandon you once they leave your hell of a home and your old age languishes in loneliness and poverty. You caused it and you know it.

          Here’s a word for children too. It is children, not grownups, who obey their parents. At a point in life you should be able to rebel and refuse to take nonsense from your parents anymore. Shame on you if your parents are still flogging you at 16. Hold that cane or whatever it is, stand your ground, and tell them, ‘I’ve taken it this far and I can take it no further!’ Refuse to be treated with disrespect. Let them know that their curses mean nothing because they didn’t create you and they can’t destroy you either. Perform your duties with excellence, speak with dignity, and be polite and sensible enough not to engage them in a shouting march. Silence is a powerful tool; it’s the best answer for a fool. Seize the bull by the horn, take the wheel and steer the vehicle of your life where destiny beckons.

          The only way to dispel fear when love is absent is to rebel. A healthy society begins with a happy family. Fathers, don’t sell your daughters; husbands, don’t buy your wives. Let men treat their wives lovingly. Let women treat their husbands respectfully. Let parents treat their children exemplarily. Let love replace fear in the home. Encourage innovation. Train your children to ask questions when they don’t understand your instructions. Forbid rudeness, either from you or from them. Train them up in the way they should go, and when they are old they will thank you for it. You will be proud of them and they will be proud to have been born through you too.